I have to be numb.

Its 1:00 AM in the morning and I’m writing this shit. 2015 has been so rough for me and the term ender for my 2nd term is super rough that in some point of my life, I think I needed to break, what I mean in break, is like literally break, not the one that defines that I need a vacation or what. Those fine and rough and difficult days, those are the days, I wanted to cry, to yearn, to despite and to curse myself. It made me question myself that, “Am I really deserving of such position?”, “Do I have the abilities to lead everyone and will they follow?”, things got mixed up, situation got worsen, I have huge responsibilities on my back that I can’t refuse to deny, I have commitments that I never thought that I would have, connections and broader social circle — expanded, it was never my intention to be in this place nor to be in this kind of position. I agreed upon this because I need to and I have to. And in some point of life, I wanted to discover myself, I wanted to pursue what I love and like all along. On 2015, thanks to Mommy Jane and to Daddy John, that I discover my love for travelling, where my love in photography, came in. I wouldn’t expect that I have those kind of abilities to shot such a good image of nature.

Whereas, I learned that I am so fond of animals and nature and flowers, it was not a fluke, I am really inclined with the sea and the night and the cold brittle sound waves, I was attracted with the beautiful crafted stones of the nature, I like how my feet feels on the rough surfaces of the sand with the overflowing sea breeze. Things go well on my social circle, on the travelling aspects. I learned a lot from Mommy Jane and Daddy John, I thanked them for what they taught me during those days. I was devastated, I could feel the hatred inside me that time, I could feel the mourning of my heart and the freedom I desire. And for the first time, I stepped out of my comfort zone and go with the flow. I loved it but everything has consequences.

It was BER months of 2015 that I know that I’ll get a tight schedule ahead, I was fond of planning my ways and days ahead of time. So, I could keep track of what things needed to accomplish. Last year, I felt the exhaustion, that my body wanted to collapse — the ritual of getting up in the morning, feeling exhausted and the thought of another day of tiredness and torture that you wanted to get over immediately, it was a long process and it was hard to endure. Do you know the feeling when you don’t want to go into the world and just lie back down on your couch or on your bed and have it in your own way but the society tells you that you need to get up and fuck yourself over there and stand and take a bath and study for the rest of your life and enjoy the moment but you can’t enjoy the moment because it wasn’t your passion in the first place and your heart keeps on telling ‘No’ and then there’s your brain, telling you the right thing to do is just to obey, since, you couldn’t do anything on the first place.

Admittedly, I was in a state of somehow depression, I don’t have any time for myself, I feel like, I don’t do anything good, I shit anything I got. I feel nothing that no one wants to obey but wanted to rule them. How ironic right? Manifestation of how our government runs today and how Filipino picks their vote. It wasn’t a good choice though, and with that, I wasn’t a good choice, really — they just don’t want the work , so, I got the work on my own and since denying and rejecting the offer is out of the option, I couldn’t do but to compel with how the things are.

As I am writing this, I don’t feel anything, I don’t even feel that today is my birthday, that I am spawn and lived 21 years on Earth. What should I feel? Happiness? Excitement? Nervous? I don’t know. What I feel is, that there’s a hollow on my chest that I couldn’t reach that goes on deeper and deeper that becoming a void. I should feel excited right? I should feel happy, right? But I don’t. I am writing this maybe because I feel the longing and the sadness both at the same time, I can feel that I am not loved, I feel that I am not special, I feel that I was not supposed to live. Why am I telling on the public what I feel? I don’t know, what I know is, I wanted to write it down and let this get off on my fucking chest.

How can others see the good in me when I don’t even see who is really me? How am I supposed to believe on myself when all the time I hear inside my head are the hesitations that wouldn’t let me sleep? How am I to keep up with everyone when a 21 shitty person like me, couldn’t even do the right thing on simple things? Yes, I was warned, I was threatened, I was faced and shouted at, I was tease at and from all those negative vibes around me, I feel so low of myself that I wanted to bury my shame and myself and everything.

Sometimes, I wanted to burst out and lead a life that everyone will hate but that’s not the life I wanted on my future, I try to handle things and keep up but I couldn’t do otherwise. I wish it just a challenge, an obstacle to face, and will get soon to get rid off. I have plans for my life and I wanted to attain them, and I have to accept the fact that there’s no easy way to achieved those goals. So, to the Rafael Ray Borja, I am today, a 21 year old self, I just wanted to tell you that… There’s more to life than yourself, there’s more to everything than you think, you just need to be wise, learn to adjust and adapt.

There are so much struggles ahead, your fear to the head of the school, your fear of the system from the current administration, the loyalties of your co-officers and your fear, on how, people see you. Remember that everyone cannot be please, there are people who are difficult to understand and it takes them to understand but please, don’t be a mechanically robot human who follows on orders which isn’t right, you have to take a stand.  The problem with how Filipino works is that age defines us the authority to the younger ones, with greater maturity, the greater their power to control the ones who seems to bloom. And I wanted to change that, that wasn’t and that shouldn’t a system work, everyone should learn to understand the way of people. Sometimes, leaders, high leaders have a point but they are clouded because they are seem to focus on themselves, they have good intentions but they don’t have the right implementation.

I wish people look more and stand more, don’t fear someone, and I wish that the Rafael within me, understand those words that coming from him, himself.

Because you are now 21. 21 years of living, a you don’t even know anything about this fucked up world. You need to be braver, fiercer, stronger, if not, you’ll be the one who’ll get to suffer.

Learn to let go. Learn if you needed to be. Don’t let others take advantage of your kindness and resources, people are only there because of two things, it is either they want something from you or you want something from them. Its either you will use them or you’ll get used. That’s how people works, even if you wanted to believe that, it wasn’t. And I’m still hoping that there are still good people out there who will witness, what I’ve got, what I achieve, if there is anything.

Success are hard to attain as failures are hard to accept but that’s what life bring us, to conquer and to love what has left, like a doom that you couldn’t compare with death. We strive for anything we want but sometimes, in any extent of your effort, it wouldn’t be good nor better on some people. There’s no such thing as a credit when your just a mere pawn, you are just a pawn of kings and queens who rule the chess, the game of lives and they took all the credit for what kind of success that you put your blood, pain and sweat — and in the end, you’ll just have to play and survive to become a king even if people are discouraging you, even if they are telling you things that you don’t want to hear. You need to survive, and if not, everything will fall, and with that fall, you don’t know if someone will catch you because there’s no such thing as lighter fall, every fall is so hard that it can damage you, not by physique, probably in the heart — emotionally and mentally.

There’s a lot life brings in, but what I really desired most is to be loved in which I never felt. With the deafening silence, I could feel my heart’s thump, the beating life that I owned and yet I could feel the sorrow, and the thorns of my agony. The grief that I have in my soul is tearing up, and yet the only thing I could do is to succumb myself to sleep, for with sleep, I’ll forgot the things I never feel. Let me feel the numbness, that way, I could get control of the things and I wouldn’t get hurt.

So long emotions, I abide you farewell!

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5 thoughts on “I have to be numb.

  1. Keep writing, Rafael, so you know would yourself more, thus, coming to love yourself. Whether you’re loved or not, go on. Naturally in the process, you’ll be loved because you’re true to yourself.

    How about writing a book? I can see you have the talent. Write something that you’re so passionate to talk about…

    Liked by 1 person

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